When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
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I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.