When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
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Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Hell yeah 👍
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.