When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
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They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
There is no “ea” in Tim.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.