@CulturedRuffian: When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
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@DennisFarrell: Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
@Bry_Mac: An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We're a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
@TheToddWilliams: [creation] GOD: Let's name some of you bugs FLY: Me first! GOD: Okay…Fly FLY: Hell yeah! BUTTERFLY: Now me! GOD: Hmm…Butterfly FLY: Sonuvab-
@truegritrumble: MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you're not taking this seriously. ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?