When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
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Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that