You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
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We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms