Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
You Might Also Like
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line