@Kennycruzin: When one squirrel says "I like to eat nuts", there is probably always another squirrel who says "that's what she said."
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@UtilityLimb: some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we're too far away to hear his answer]
@dumbbeezie: If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone
@XplodingUnicorn: [hardware store] Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff Wife: Fine Clerk: Can I help you? Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
@__candypants: Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.