[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
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Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Pass gas, not judgment.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.