When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Finally
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Swedish for common sense.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far