If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
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Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.