@tastefactory: When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult
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@sploosk: Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they- *coroner covers the body with a sheet* Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
@shariv67: Got so wasted last night, had to take a train home. And now I can't figure out how to return it.
@Jay_FrickinLynn: Asked my son what he wanted for dinner. He said cheese. A good mom doesn't let her kid eat cheese for dinner. This cheese is delicious.
@koalaslament: Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.