π€·π½ββοΈπ€¦π½ββοΈπ©
You Might Also Like
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that βour little ones might eat mulch.β I’m more concerned heβs seeing little ones I donβt know about.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My hot friend: Iβve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
When you let grandma cat sit
The human personality is made of five key elements
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but thatβs still progress, right?
Sometimes I worry that my sonβs childhood is too happy and he wonβt be funny when heβs older.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
[loud knocking]
βOPEN UP. ITβS THE POLICE!β
Me: Prove it.
βHOW?β
Me: Sing βRoxanne.β
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Itβs that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later weβll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight Iβm gonna party like itβs 1199.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Date: So⦠Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: β¦
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we shouldβve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”