When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
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didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
not for long
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Generation gap…
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?