When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
President The Rock Obama
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
…..pretty much.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
somebody come look at this
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
this is 10/10 content no notes
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.