When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
You Might Also Like
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
A bold strategy
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
craving $300 all of a sudden
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition