*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
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My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time