@mikeleffingwell: When people argue about sports and one says "Care to make it interesting" I assume they're going to start talking about something else.
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@blakeshelton: I'm so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted "Why y'all checkin' me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!"
@HelmdawgE: Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can't reach.
@stevezorz: Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
@DaddyJew: The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff