my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.