@Cheeseboy22: When people ask, "Don't I know you from somewhere?", I reply "Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy."
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@boring_as_heck: I'll take "That's Not A Category" for $200, Alex. "That's not a category." Yes, that's right. "That's not a category." I chose that, yes.
@KristinGnr: To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car: That's why you run WITH the flow of traffic
@thepatrickwalsh: My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
@Mr_Kapowski: [kissing] Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off? Me: *breathy whisper* I'm not wearing your shirt