When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
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If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.