@Cheeseboy22: When people ask, "Don't I know you from somewhere?", I reply "Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy."
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@MomofTeen: Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a "leaf herder" and realize I need to get out more often.
@ItsAndyRyan: Doctor: "Why is my waiting room empty?" Judge: "I hauled everyone off to court" Doctor: "You're trying my patients"
@Maxine12333: The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.