@Cheeseboy22: When people ask, "Don't I know you from somewhere?", I reply "Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy."
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@fuzzlime: Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
@captainkalvis: *uptown funk comes on* Guy: honey this HAS to be our first dance at our wedding Honey: lol I'm made by bees
@SteveSuckington: Good call inventor of glass tables. There's nothing more appetizing than realizing Aunt Mildred doesn't wear panties while I'm trying to eat