When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
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There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
buying dead houseplants to save time
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…