When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
*skinny dips into black hole
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.