When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
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Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
This forever.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.