When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
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Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
s
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I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing