When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
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Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.