When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
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Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.