How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
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Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine