@MrFornicator: When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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@notacroc: [date] HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
@themiltron: god: behold, my creatio-- people: some rocks are more important than others god: what? people: i would literally kill for the yellow rock
@tastefactory: PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
@ReelQuinn: NAZI: I’m a Nazi MEDIA: How controversial NAZI: I said I was a Nazi MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored