When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say