@MrFornicator: When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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@ashleyaustrew: If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you're in, they're your kids.
@Sarcasticsapien: This world would be a much better place if some people's mothers would've just had a headache.
@audipenny: [speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby] Man what am I going to do with all these hens
@JessicaVarsity: Twitter is like a dog: There's always someone who loves you for you... there's also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.