@MrFornicator: When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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@causticbob: Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive? I just did and I won't be allowed on this airline again
@KentWGraham: My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
@jergarl: I don't think peeing on a goose is the right answer.. But on the other hand.. I'm not sure it's the WRONG answer. -Drunk me at a zoo
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Am I original? -Yeaaah. Am I the only one? -Yeaaah. Do you wanna build a snowman? -Go away, Anna. Ok byyyyye.