When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
You Might Also Like
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12