When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
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My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
how to have an accident 101
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.