When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
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When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.