When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
You Might Also Like
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex