When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Velcrow
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason