When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
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BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Yep.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Hmmmmm
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.