When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
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My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.