When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
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I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
lol
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*