@OuterJohn: When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
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@MartaEffing: Damn boy, are you fresh ground pepper? Coz you're kinda boring and you've been on top of everything.
@Thedudish: My neighbor's dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
@leechee420: How do I tell a guy that I'm only interested in him because I'd like to take selfies with his puppy?
@AndyAsAdjective: KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream? ME: no you may not [long pause] K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?