When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
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ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money