When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
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Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
had to make it
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!