@clintwebster: When people post about their 5 year olds, they're talking about wine right?
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@slimmy_shady: Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
@myonlymizztake: Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can't figure out where they hide the bodies.
@NicestHippo: Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren't out yet