The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
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A drum solo but on your face.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops