a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
You Might Also Like
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
#SCOTUS one-star review
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.