When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
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Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
😂😂😂
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.