When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
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9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
23. the denim jacket
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*