“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
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This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
The best plant holders?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
The Onion called it…again.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
wtf is an acronym