@Adam14: When people say "Let's not get off on the wrong foot here", I reply "Please don't get off on either of my feet".
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@Matt_The_1st: Sorry I didn't reply to your text, I just couldn't find a response that would keep you from sending another
@FlyJ_: I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would've been an embarrassing obituary.
@AndrewChamings: Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level. ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
@jilleb163: My "I'm enraged!" status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don't read well.