@Adam14: When people say "Let's not get off on the wrong foot here", I reply "Please don't get off on either of my feet".
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@Nawyourecrazy: Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them. *selfies*
@bencoffeehall: I have learned to accept that my parents are "Santa," but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
@ItsAndyRyan: Capt of Titanic: "Mayday! We are sinking" Coastguard: "What happened?" *Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle* Capt: "Iceberg"
@mccoy_paul: While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they'd do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.