When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
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All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
when someone rings the doorbell
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”