When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
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[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too