When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I just love that new Pope smell.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.