I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
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If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Never forget.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.