Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
You Might Also Like
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to