Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
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so much to do
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
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I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.