When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
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Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
The photographer’s assistant
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.